Regret

Over the last couple of days I’ve been reminded of just how much I was enjoying my life a few years ago … and how much I miss that.

First off, looking up a construction project here in DC, I came across this. Half way through it I realized just how masterfully put together it was. And my appreciation grew. Because this is what I used to do for a living. Offering Memorandums, they’re called. Marketing at it’s finest … making an area, a project, a company look attractive, spinning the demographics, detailing all the little things that make this package SPECIAL … and then, of course, laying it out so it all comes together nice and pretty. It was a job that allowed me to be creative, and at the same time hold my completed work in my hands, and know I’d done well.

I lost that job due to world-wide layoffs (I was with a Fortune 500 company at the time) in July 2008. Commercial real estate was coming to a crashing halt, and there was no way I was going to find a comparable position with another company.

It took me until April of last year to find ANY position in commercial real estate, and this time, I’m on the property management side. It’s something I enjoy, and am good at, but sometimes I really miss the marketing. REALLY miss it.

Then there was Monday night. Driving home from bible study, I called my dad to catch up. He filled me in on all KINDS of things (he’s working again, my sister got a car, an uncle moved, etc etc etc) that I would have heard about right away, if I were still living in California. I miss it. I miss being able to be close to my dad and my siblings (the rest of the family is an entirely separate post). I HATE that I will not be there to tag along with my sister as she plans her wedding. I mean, sure, I’ll be involved in the planning (mostly because I don’t mind putting myself in front of her when psycho-opinionated-family-members start up, having had it done to me) but … when she shops for her dress? When she wants to sit down and giggle over magazines? When she’s overwhelmed and needs a good cry, hug, and some wine?

Not to mention that I haven’t seen our nephew since he was 2 weeks old. The husband has NEVER met him. Baby boy is teething now, it’s been so long. And the godson is growing up far too fast. I’m incredibly blessed that he’s the type of child who remembers everyone … he doesn’t forget me when I’m not around for 6 months. He knows me, and knows that I’m special. But I hate that I’m missing this last year before he’s off to school.

Basically, I’m just down in the dumps about it all. The fact that the long dark winter is only a few weeks away is not improving my mood. So I sit here. Wallowing to myself. ]

::sighs::

Nothing to see here. Move along.

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5 Comments to “Regret”

  1. Um yes, feeling quite similar. Every time I go home or see my friends from back home and then return to Fargo, I come crashing down. I miss everyone so much and I’m so out of the loop on news. I’m not there to partake in the small victories and losses. I just hear about the big things.

    And yes, winter is coming and I feel nothing but dread.

    • The ONLY thing that makes me feel like I’ll get through this winter is that I have a friend who just moved here (also from So Cal) and is incredibly anxious about how she and her 3-year-old daughter will handle the cold and (even more so) the dark. I’m making it my duty to make this first winter as enjoyable as I can for them. Maybe it’ll lift my spirits in the process.

      But yes to the crashing down. Especially now that all our travel budget is going to major life events, so we can’t just pop in (2 years ago: wedding planning, last year: wedding, this year: nephew’s birth (and shower), next year: sister’s wedding (and shower)). I think if I could swing a trip back every 4-6 months, I’d be much happier. But this once a year (or twice in 2 months) thing is killing me.

  2. I’m very much with you on all of this. And the winter is brutal for me. I’ve already started my downward spiral. The fact that I’m doing things I’m good at and getting more responsibility at work or that I’m starting an awesome internship aren’t really helping, just making me feel overwhelmed. Add to that the fact that I’m in the midst of a horrible, almost socially crippling situation with some of C’s best friends and I don’t want to get up. I don’t feel connected or fulfilled.

    I’m working on changing what I think of as fulfilled, because I don’t know any other way to deal with it.

  3. OH honey, I totally understand. It ebbs and flows. Sometimes you’re (me) rockin’ it and sometimes you’re (me) not. But it’s that bit of discomfort that keeps us pushing harder, pulling ourselves up and discovering new things. It’s growing pains that remind us we’re not done yet. ❤

  4. Chin up. And I love the idea that you are going to try and make this winter for your friend more enjoyable. I bet that it helps.

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