2011: The Misses

So, as many good times as 2011 held, there were also some bad ones. For me, they were mostly internal … disappointments and struggles I had with myself. But, as we tend to do when we need comfort, let’s share:

 

1. Health/Fitness

I had such good intentions. Such great intentions. But, damn it, working out is HARD when you haven’t in so long. Combine that with The Fear, and you have a long, disappointing Sarah’s-being-lazy cycle. I had MONTHS to prepare for the 10k, and didn’t make it (finishing is good, but running it is BETTER). I could give myself the benefit of the doubt and say I tried, but really? I was lazy. Working out hurt, took effort, and made me get up off the couch. Therefore, I didn’t do it. 6 months worth of gym fees, wasted.

Health-wise wasn’t much better. Though I DID finally get myself to a dentist (LOOOOOOONG overdue), it took massive pain to get me there. Everything else fell by the wayside. I should really be seeing an orthopedist and chiro for my back (not to mention normal physicals/exams like a responsible adult) … but my insurance company is giving me hell about a pre-existing condition clause (the old insurance company keeps ignoring my requests for proof of coverage) … and so it’s MUCH easier to not fight it and just stay home. An all to convenient excuse.

This, my friends, is bullshit, and I need to STOP IT. I’m only doing myself damage.

2. Headspace

You’d think, with so much good going on, I’d be in a better place mentally. If only it were so easy, right? One positive thing I learned was that I need something to look forward to in the immediate future … weekend trips, visits from friends etc, each month or two … to keep myself going. Easy enough to do, when NYC (and the friends there) are only a few hours on a bus away. But when I don’t have that, it’s super easy for me to fall back down into depression.

It doesn’t help that I’ve realized I don’t want to stay in DC, but don’t really have a choice (unless I’m being SUPER selfish … husband’s work is here, to leave would force him to switch career paths COMPLETELY). And while I’m so, so thankful for all of you … it’s really hard to have been here for three years now, and still not have any close friends. Sure, I have friends here … but no one I can call at last second to go grab dinner, who I can just sit and giggle with over absolutely nothing, or who’ll come over and eat ice cream and give me a hug while I cry. Those people are still in California. Everyone here seems to fall into two categories: 1. they’ve lived here (or close) all their lives, and all their friends have, too. So they’re reluctant to let anyone new into their group. Or 2. they’re migrants (like us), but are so career focused they don’t have time for anything but the quick dinner date. It’s good, but sometimes, I just really need someone to come kidnap me and make me watch Muppets From Space, just to get my head back in a positive way.

I don’t really know what I can do to fix this one … other than getting myself to a damn therapist already. But anyone who’s dealt with depression knows that can be terrifying. And 2011 was full of fear for me. So I did nothing. NO GOOD.

3. Our Marriage

I don’t mean to imply that something is terribly wrong. We, as a couple, made some great strides in 2011. But there were things we promised each other we’d do this year and just … didn’t. Things like making more time for each other. Getting out of the house and into the sunlight on weekends, together. Planning better. Remembering to be considerate at all times. And so on.

I know it happens to everyone … and I know it doesn’t mean anything’s WRONG. But I’m still disappointed that we looked back at 2010, said “Let’s be better this year”, and then … weren’t. ::sighs::

 

So yes, some big disappointments. And on all of them it comes back to me getting up and DOING something about it.

Guess I have some goals for 2012 already set, hmm?

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2 Comments to “2011: The Misses”

  1. The need for close friends is not to be underestimated. I discovered that I could be anywhere as long as I had someone to be close too besides my husband. In our college town once all our friends moved away it was like I was slowly losing my mind. My husband moved us to Dallas because I had friends here and it helped me mentally in the end.

    So yea I get that problem. I hope you find someone to help you, be it a therapist or a good friend.

  2. I completely understand the desire to have someone you can just call at the spur-of-the-moment. Having a friend like that close by is something I’m still trying to find. It’s a hard process.

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